The trouble with love is.

Love is a fickle thing. It makes everything skewed, one way or another, doesn't it? It causes your head and your heart to have a dysfunctional relationship. Then, one of those breaks...either your head or your heart. Always both. Usually one followed by the other. You question and obsess until something sinks, and then your head blames your heart. It always does. It's an easy cycle to continue. You hear what you want to hear, you never learn, they leave, you hurt, you blame yourself. Always. It's okay to let the obsession and agony consume you. Nothing hurts quite as piercingly as unrequited affection. It fogs our minds because it's always caught in flux between illusion and something tangible, remembrance and desire, safety and danger. 

Love isn't something you feel. You do it. If the person you want to love isn't doing it back, do yourself a favor and save it. Someone else does want to do it. Believe someone's true colors the first time they show them to you. Don't try and repaint the picture you see. Leave it. Maybe it's not something that needs to be finished. Some things are better left as is. It's better that way. In doing so, you can move on with your life. In doing so, I will never tell you how I really feel. I will never say that I don't know what I am to you. Or that I know I'm not enough. Or that I literally have no idea how to be something you care about. Or that I'm both chasing and running simultaneously. Why would I say any of that? Right. 

Our minds sometimes see what our hearts wish were true. We want to hear certain things. We beg for the words that make us feel, even if they aren't true. If someone doesn't care about losing you, move on. There are so many others that will die and kill not to lose you. How can you be happy when someone treats you just like any other normal person? I don't want to be normal. I want consuming passion. I want a friendship set on fire. After all, we are all perishable characters; especially in someone else's stories. I truly think it's possible that some people are born to give more love than they'll ever get back in return; and that's okay. 

What I've learned is this: Love doesn't die. If it was there at some point, it still is. You can't kill matter once it's created. It's just taken a different form. That doesn't negate anything that has happened. It's just not the love we want anymore. You can love so many times in your life, and all of them will be different. The thing is, people associate other people with the best times and the worst times. It's important to me then, to make the best times amazing and the worst times minimal. To be in more of people's best times, than their worst. To quote Almost Famous, "Never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, and if you never get hurt, you always have fun". Who doesn't want to have fun? With very rare exception in life, there's no such thing as too much love or too much laughter. Everything else in moderation, but those two in excess. So surround yourself with people that make loving and laughing easy. Sometimes the people that used to, no longer do that. In thinking this way, I've found something. Call it power, closure, whatever. Just because something was right at one time, doesn't mean it always will be. Things change, and we may never know why. We must learn to be okay with the unknown. How great it is, though, to see something once you stop looking. Some things are there all along. After all, it takes a whole lot of shattered bits to make a whole mosaic. It's okay to break, because in the end, "we are all humans...drunk on the idea that love, only love, can heal our brokenness". So love hard. Hurt hard. Love often. Seek out other people's broken pieces and do what you have to do to heal it all. Adventure and love and wonderful things are all out there. The best part about getting crushed is being able to look back and see that you fixed it...without them. Eventually, you'll be rewarded with someone or something that appreciates and reciprocates every small piece of your affection. 

So, no, I don't think of you too often anymore. I just have to pause sometimes in your memory. And about that dysfunctional relationship between my head and heart? Yeah...they're no longer speaking. ❤️

God, I'm a walking cliche. 

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop.

"Choose a job you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life."

 -Confucius

Amen to that. I'm about to get reallllll cheesy on y'all. Like...melted Gouda cheesy. I love my job. I love Edgehill Cafe. And it's because of people. People that are probably you. 

When I first moved to Nashville, this is not what I expected to do. My friends were concerned that I wasn't friendly enough to move across the country alone (rude...). I had an event planning job all lined up with a huge hotel near music row. It was going to be perfect. Two days after getting here, it fell through. Hello, stress, nice to meet you. I was in a city I had never been to before. I knew no one. I thought I was fun and spontaneous and put three cities in a hat, picked one, and drove here. You'd think someone who studied planning her whole life could've thought that one out a bit better, don't ya? Anyway, that left me sitting inside of the first coffee shop I could find, (Edgehill Cafe), using the internet for job hunting. Apparently it's true when they say everything happens for a reason, because long story short, a month later I was helping open a brand new location of Edgehill in Lenox Village (our little baby). A few years later now, I'm over on music row (RIP Lenox), and I'm amazed with this place every day. Although I never saw myself managing a cafe, or planning events for one, or making fun specialty drinks every month...here I am. And I couldn't be happier. So much for planning, huh?

Every time someone comes into the cafe, it's a break in their day. I, sometimes, am their first interaction of the day, and it's up to me to make or break it (no pressure). They are coming or going, and I am their in between. It's that exchange that is priceless to me. Creating moments for people is sometimes the only substance you need in life. I do this for the people I serve and stories I hear and relationships I build, because to me, they're more than just an americano or an iced mocha. They're part of my daily routine, and I, theirs. They're the smile that brightens a rough morning, or the laugh (albeit forced) to one of my terrible jokes. They give just as much to me as I give to them. 

And my coworkers? They're my family. It's so important to surround yourself with only those that are going to lift you higher, and we have that here. When you have to be working before the sun comes up sometimes, it's so nice to be excited to be there and share your day with people you love. I genuinely love and care about each one of them so so so deeply. They are one of the few constants in my life, and their quirks and laughter and individual personalities make me feel like the luckiest girl ever, because I get to spend more time with them than anyone, and I don't consider them coworkers, or part of a well-oiled machine; they are my family I have created for myself here.  

Having to interact with people and smile for eight hours straight a day can be exhausting. I'll be the first to admit I'm not always sparkles and rainbows to deal with. But I put my heart into my job and the people I meet and relationships I build there, because most of the time, there's nowhere else I'd rather be...

Because it's both my safe and happy place. 

Because I work/have worked with some of my best friends. 

Because almost everyone I'm close with in this whole city has been somehow linked back to Edgehill. 

Because I've fallen in love with so many things and people because of this place. 

Because when I helped start Lenox, it was as if it were one of my children, and I've never been that excited about a project. 

Because I can be creative in ways I never have before. 

Because I threw myself a prom themed birthday party there last year (sorry, Winn...worth it). 

Because I get to cross something off my bucket list and write a book all about my experiences here. (Stay tuned). 

You can laugh at my silly monthly drinks, or jokes of the week (Edgehill Cafe: where every latte comes with a laugh), or song lyrics on the table numbers, or creepy comments I get, or intense holiday decorations, or awkward situations I find myself in (yikes), but the fact is-- I love it & it's made me the happiest I've ever been. My intention was to only ever stay in Nashville for a year, but how could I ever leave now that I have built such an amazing life filled with wonderful people and a job right on music row in one of the best cities in the world? Not happening. 

It's more than a job to me. The creations I get to make, and regulars that I've become close to, and interactions with people that I make daily, has made my life exponentially better these last three years. So, THANK YOU. For being in my life and for allowing me to be the break in your day. You all are wonderful. ❤️

Whatever words I say...

I will always love you. 

It started, essentially, when we were babies. And it's ending with a baby. (This may be the most honest thing I've ever written, so bear with me). 

There's always that one person. Not even necessarily the one that got away. In my case, he never got away. In my case, he's still a part of my daily life. The person you grew up with. The person all your first life experiences were with. The person that taught you how to ride a bike and throw a football and to cook with lemon pepper and mostly, to love. The person that gave you your first kiss. The first person you go to for everything. The person you moved for. The person who makes you the happiest and angriest all at the same time. The person that you do things for and with, the person you've based your whole concept of love and self worth on. The only person you've ever truly loved, now that you think about it. It's rare that all of those things are from the same person, but mine were. Everything I've done in life has been because he has pushed me to do so. Or inspired me to do so. Or messed me up so badly, that I wanted to prove something to.  Almost every memory I have involves him. It's not even that he's someone I want to be with right now. But in some twisted imaginary universe that I apparently live in, I guess I imagined it would still always be us in the end. We would fall in love with other people, move across the country, do things with our lives, but eventually, we were end game. Through all the other heartaches, it was comforting to know there was always him. He was my home.  

Everyone has that someone that makes time stop in it's tracks and transports you somewhere you haven't been in ages. A friend recently was telling me how a run-in with an ex rendered him unable to function. How memories came flooding back from a more innocent time. A time that taught you so much about pure, real love. The thought and feeling becomes all-consuming. You think you're completely over somebody that you haven't seen in years. Then you realize you're not. You realize that if you're holding out for something or waiting for an answer to change, you're not over it. You never were. Enough time had just passed, and you had other heartbreaks to deal with, that it became more of a nostalgic, distant memory. So you go through the motions of life, still expecting the same outcome, because the in between doesn't matter when you already know the ending for your story, right? But then all of a sudden, you realize that that thing isn't going to happen and you don't know your ending anymore and it changes everything. 

The truth is, I always thought it was going to be me. If that makes me stupid or selfish, so be it. But you were my ending. She is supposed to be me. It is supposed to be mine. I guess that's the problem with us planners, huh? Timing is everything and one little phone call in the middle of a Tuesday can change the whole course of your life. I suppose the beauty of things must be that they end. (Most of the time in tears). Somehow things are expected to be the same, but in May, there will be a new little life in this world. With your bright blue eyes, and your drive and excitement about the world around you. With your charm, and hopefully your intelligence. Hopefully not your temper, or stubbornness or sense of humor. But how did we get here--so far away? Now I'm going to be looking at pictures and buying things for something that should be mine. It's my own fault, I suppose. I got burned and learned that I loved you more than I should have. I still do. Always will, unfortunately. 

What took you so long to tell me? How could you not think about your actions? You said you knew how much this would kill me. You are now stuck with somebody just out of principle. There will never be an us again. When I got your call today, and knew how scared you were to tell me, I realized something. Not saying something doesn't make it any less true. And also, saying something doesn't necessarily make it more true. But telling me you wished it were me and that I was the one that got away was like kicking me when I was down. 

I know that no matter what, that little boy is going to have a wonderful life, filled with people that love him. I know that that is a huge part of why I loved you for the past ten years. You're going to be a great father. When I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hands, I went to a bar. Alone. The man gave me the drink for free. He said I needed a bitter beer because life is bitter. He's right. It's bittersweet. I proceeded to look at the ultrasound pictures you sent. I talked to your mother and grandfather on the phone. I saw a man wearing a rugby shirt, a bus drove by with a baby's face on it, and our song was on the radio; how's that for irony? It would've been our ten year anniversary today. You said it's all about timing, right? You have been through the ringer the past few years. You've brought me through it with you. Although it breaks my heart, and although I know it's not what you expected, I guess we can learn that, to quote you and The Rolling Stones, you can't always get  what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need. I truly hope this is what you need. 

So this is the New Year.

Although we are already a week into 2014, it's time for some reflection in order to really start anew. This year had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my life. There was new love, heartbreak, new homes, travel, death, and the final comfort of finding my niche here in Nashville. I've realized that trying to control the world around you never works and life, in short, just wants to be. In doing this, I've become more free-spirited, I try saying yes to more things, and I could spend my life arriving each day in a new city. I want to see all there is to see and meet everyone there is to meet.  There is a certain glimmer of magic about going far away and coming back all changed. I want to live not just the length of my life, but the width of it as well. Some might say that living this way is foolish; to go from a Type-A planner, to someone who throws caution (and confetti) to the wind and sees what happens. But in that, I've found pure joy. Because which is worse? "To lead a life so boring that you're easily enchanted? Or a life so full of stimulus that you're easily bored?" I, for one, would rather be doing exciting things that make me happy to wake up every day and live the life I've always dreamed of. After all, there's something wonderful about mixing a little foolishness in with your serious plans. It's lovely to be silly at just the right moments.

The key to finding this place of contentment has definitely come out of a place of dark, overwhelming burdens. But haven't we all had those? We have all had that moment or series of events that make us see, for the sake of our sanity (and the friends around us that have to deal with it), that it's time to walk away from someone or something that no longer serves us or helps us to grow. All that is, is just a form of self respect and self preservation. People talk about it, but no one ever talks about how hard it is to actually do it, let alone follow through with it. You have to wake up daily and make the same decision to keep following through. But I'm here, as 2014 Ashley, to tell you, with a z-snap and all, that this year is a good time for letting go. This year is no place for bringing these people and things with you. The universe itself has no restrictions. We place restrictions on the universe with our expectations of things. And it's time to stop. So hello 2014, I welcome you with open arms and heart. 

Last year was the first year I actually followed through with a resolution. So this year, I made 7...ya know, just in case I flake on six of them. If I learned one thing in my business classes, it's to create SMART goals. So, I encourage you to take part in these resolutions with me. 

1. I'm writing a book. I've always talked about it. Why not? It's going to be called "Memoirs of a Cafe". You can follow it on twitter at @MemoirsOfACafe. It's going to be the funniest thing you'll ever read. Promise. If you have anything to contribute let me know...cause we all know, people are crazy. Especially those on Music Row. 

2. Let it go. Just let it go. Out with the old Ash and in with the new. This also includes growing a spine and replacing the glitter and marshmallows that seem to be there instead. If you don't like being a doormat, get off the damn floor. Ya know?

3. Don't have expectations. For anything. Life. Love. Whatever. Stop expecting and you won't be disappointed. Also, stop settling, just because you're not expecting. 

4. Travel. I vow to travel one place AT LEAST an hour away every month. Because...duh. 

5. Write daily. Whether it's a nightly journal, or this blog, or songs...I wrote in a journal every single day last year. Let's keep it going. How cool will it be to look back at my life documented 50 years from now?! Cause lord knows I won't remember. 

6. Pay it forward. Do nice things and don't talk about it after. No one like a bragger. 

7. Be present. Learn about people. Listen. Look at the things around you. Put your screens away. 

Here's to you, 2014. I have a feeling we are going to be friends. ❤️

 

Only the good die young.

Death is never easy. It's never been something I'm comfortable with, either. But during the holidays, when you're 2,100 miles from home, it's even harder. On Christmas Eve, I lost my uncle. He had been fighting Multiple Sclerosis for about 23 years, but that doesn't mean it's any easier to accept the sudden passing of a loved one. While my mama and sisters make the trek to Seattle to put him to rest, all I can do is the one thing I'm semi-okay at...write about it. I would say that Rick was lucky to have such wonderful hospital staff, nurses, friends, and family, but truthfully, I think that everyone that knew Rick was lucky to have him. He was a brother, a son, a father, a grandpa, an uncle, and a godfather. But he was more than all that. He was my hero. 

I've never met a man stronger than him, or who dealt with such extreme circumstances in such a positive light. MS is a terrible disease but he was always the happiest person I knew. He fought for over 20 years with a fierce passion and vivacious laughter that could fill a room. He never complained. He never showed pain. We complain about our daily inconveniences all the time, and I can't help but be disgusted with myself as to why. Despite him being bound to a wheelchair in an assisted living center for over two decades, he never let anyone know of his suffering and lived with it for over 20 years whilst keeping his dignity and a smile on his face. Always a selfless man, he would put others first, and as someone who loved a good laugh, his jokes and pranks were one to be reckoned with (I may have inherited it from him...). How does someone who has had everything stripped from him-- family, friends, vision, movement, everything-- have such inner positivity and strength? I think we can all learn a little something from Rick. He fought for so long and never gave up. He had a lot of close calls, but like a resilient cat, he had way more than nine lives. I think his energy radiated through not only his life, but the lives of everyone around him, and it's that positivity and will to live that kept him around for so long. We can all hope to adopt such charisma and hopefulness. We are all just busy creatures hoping to get by in life. But it's in moments like losing someone you so deeply love that we realize our lives are just built out of this chaos and hope. This desire to be loved and understood-- that's all he ever wanted. To be loved and to make people laugh; and that he did. I am proud to say he was my uncle, and going into this new year, I think it's a wonderful time to take on some of the amazing traits he held, to make this world a bit better. 

Although I got to speak to him over the phone a few weeks ago, I am heartbroken that I can't be there to say a final goodbye tomorrow. We have lost a one of a kind human being and someone like him can never be replaced, but I hope we can send him away with words of love. He wouldn't want us to mourn, but to laugh and play and speak of things that inspire us. And I think we can all agree that if we learned anything from Rick, he is what inspires us. ❤️

Let's play a love game.

               (just some advice). 

So here's the thing about the "game"...it's stupid. But even by not playing, we are playing. So what, then? We feel pathetic and weak for giving into it, and we feel worse when we back off and quit it because really, we aren't quitting the game, we are quitting the most addictive drug of all...love. 

It's always nice to know you can feel again after getting crushed. Either you get crushed or you're the one crushing. That's the purpose of the game. But when we finally stop looking, we see things so much clearer. You see, certain things capture your eye but we need to only pursue those that capture the heart, because at the end of the day, when the game is over, the pawn and the king go into the same box. We can only be responsible for our own hearts. Don't offer yours up for the taking in this game. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ so freely. 

So back to my experience with this so-called game (Aren't games supposed to be fun, by the way?)...

Dealing with your tomfoolery compromises my integrity. And I almost let that happen, willingly, because secretly I liked the fear and rush of it. Because I think that all anyone really wants to be is loved. Even those that are guarded (the biggest game players of all!!). Love is really just a simple little wish to not be forgotten, and I suppose I would've rather been your mistake than nothing at all. People take advantage of you when you care too much, and it becomes all talk. So I keep chasing you, because I like to believe in the best in people, so I think you'll change and this is just fun & games. I'm an active participant in this love game. I live inside of it. But then I realize, I'm not the only player, and you are constantly changing the rules. So, in thinking about it, I've decided...Why do you get to be the game maker? Who tagged you and made you "it"?

You see, you're great at playing. But you may have just been outsmarted...I know. So the only thing changing now is who is winning. I'll play along. Watch me. But remember, I don't lose games. (It's pretty well known in the Silver household. My family refuses to play them with me anymore). You've got to learn to under-promise and over-deliver. Go ahead and do what you want now, because let's be truthful...I'm not what you want. I'm a convenient challenge. A game. 

Breaking news: Checkmate. You lose. And may the odds be ever in your favor. ❤️

Got a gypsy soul to blame...

...and you were born for leaving.

I've been traveling a lot lately. Which always makes me want to move to these new places and discover every hidden corner of them. The wanderlust is becoming a serious problem. I've always been fascinated by being in an airplane, looking out below at all the tiny squares. All those lines and roads...they are leading people home. Where is home, though, when you're constantly running?

Our problem, as people with feelings and dreams, is that we spend all our time looking for open doors, and the second we get in, we race toward the exit. Everyone thinks that they're different, and don't self-sabotage, but in the end, we're all the same. We all do that. I've been told before that I'm a gypsy...moving constantly; running away. But what's wrong with wanting to constantly feel danger or adrenaline or have new experiences or meet new people? Just because we wander, doesn't mean we run. Maybe there just hasn't yet been a good enough reason to want to stay. Don't let that make you feel bad though. It's oddly charming to know that we are all psychos when it comes to love and life. 

It's safer to constantly keep going...to have no solid ties to anything or anyone. It isn't necessarily putting up walls, it's self-preservation, people! As Ayn Rand said, "the question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me?" So what will it be that will finally make us all stop running? 

Life's unpredictability is what makes for a more valuable, exciting life. But then you remember-- you didn't move here to be comfortable and calm and collected and perfect all the time. You've already been there, done that. You came here to feel excitement. To grow. To make magic. To make mistakes. To step outside yourself. You came here to be a part of the messiness and wonder of this place...and to add your own mess to it. The truth is, you are your own home, little gypsy. Keep coming home to yourself. You are the only one you've been waiting for. The only one in your way of staying or leaving. You're not searching for anything more. You can love every aspect of your life but still embrace the uncertainty of it, and yearn for what's missing. ❤️