Whatever words I say...

I will always love you. 

It started, essentially, when we were babies. And it's ending with a baby. (This may be the most honest thing I've ever written, so bear with me). 

There's always that one person. Not even necessarily the one that got away. In my case, he never got away. In my case, he's still a part of my daily life. The person you grew up with. The person all your first life experiences were with. The person that taught you how to ride a bike and throw a football and to cook with lemon pepper and mostly, to love. The person that gave you your first kiss. The first person you go to for everything. The person you moved for. The person who makes you the happiest and angriest all at the same time. The person that you do things for and with, the person you've based your whole concept of love and self worth on. The only person you've ever truly loved, now that you think about it. It's rare that all of those things are from the same person, but mine were. Everything I've done in life has been because he has pushed me to do so. Or inspired me to do so. Or messed me up so badly, that I wanted to prove something to.  Almost every memory I have involves him. It's not even that he's someone I want to be with right now. But in some twisted imaginary universe that I apparently live in, I guess I imagined it would still always be us in the end. We would fall in love with other people, move across the country, do things with our lives, but eventually, we were end game. Through all the other heartaches, it was comforting to know there was always him. He was my home.  

Everyone has that someone that makes time stop in it's tracks and transports you somewhere you haven't been in ages. A friend recently was telling me how a run-in with an ex rendered him unable to function. How memories came flooding back from a more innocent time. A time that taught you so much about pure, real love. The thought and feeling becomes all-consuming. You think you're completely over somebody that you haven't seen in years. Then you realize you're not. You realize that if you're holding out for something or waiting for an answer to change, you're not over it. You never were. Enough time had just passed, and you had other heartbreaks to deal with, that it became more of a nostalgic, distant memory. So you go through the motions of life, still expecting the same outcome, because the in between doesn't matter when you already know the ending for your story, right? But then all of a sudden, you realize that that thing isn't going to happen and you don't know your ending anymore and it changes everything. 

The truth is, I always thought it was going to be me. If that makes me stupid or selfish, so be it. But you were my ending. She is supposed to be me. It is supposed to be mine. I guess that's the problem with us planners, huh? Timing is everything and one little phone call in the middle of a Tuesday can change the whole course of your life. I suppose the beauty of things must be that they end. (Most of the time in tears). Somehow things are expected to be the same, but in May, there will be a new little life in this world. With your bright blue eyes, and your drive and excitement about the world around you. With your charm, and hopefully your intelligence. Hopefully not your temper, or stubbornness or sense of humor. But how did we get here--so far away? Now I'm going to be looking at pictures and buying things for something that should be mine. It's my own fault, I suppose. I got burned and learned that I loved you more than I should have. I still do. Always will, unfortunately. 

What took you so long to tell me? How could you not think about your actions? You said you knew how much this would kill me. You are now stuck with somebody just out of principle. There will never be an us again. When I got your call today, and knew how scared you were to tell me, I realized something. Not saying something doesn't make it any less true. And also, saying something doesn't necessarily make it more true. But telling me you wished it were me and that I was the one that got away was like kicking me when I was down. 

I know that no matter what, that little boy is going to have a wonderful life, filled with people that love him. I know that that is a huge part of why I loved you for the past ten years. You're going to be a great father. When I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hands, I went to a bar. Alone. The man gave me the drink for free. He said I needed a bitter beer because life is bitter. He's right. It's bittersweet. I proceeded to look at the ultrasound pictures you sent. I talked to your mother and grandfather on the phone. I saw a man wearing a rugby shirt, a bus drove by with a baby's face on it, and our song was on the radio; how's that for irony? It would've been our ten year anniversary today. You said it's all about timing, right? You have been through the ringer the past few years. You've brought me through it with you. Although it breaks my heart, and although I know it's not what you expected, I guess we can learn that, to quote you and The Rolling Stones, you can't always get  what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need. I truly hope this is what you need. 

So this is the New Year.

Although we are already a week into 2014, it's time for some reflection in order to really start anew. This year had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my life. There was new love, heartbreak, new homes, travel, death, and the final comfort of finding my niche here in Nashville. I've realized that trying to control the world around you never works and life, in short, just wants to be. In doing this, I've become more free-spirited, I try saying yes to more things, and I could spend my life arriving each day in a new city. I want to see all there is to see and meet everyone there is to meet.  There is a certain glimmer of magic about going far away and coming back all changed. I want to live not just the length of my life, but the width of it as well. Some might say that living this way is foolish; to go from a Type-A planner, to someone who throws caution (and confetti) to the wind and sees what happens. But in that, I've found pure joy. Because which is worse? "To lead a life so boring that you're easily enchanted? Or a life so full of stimulus that you're easily bored?" I, for one, would rather be doing exciting things that make me happy to wake up every day and live the life I've always dreamed of. After all, there's something wonderful about mixing a little foolishness in with your serious plans. It's lovely to be silly at just the right moments.

The key to finding this place of contentment has definitely come out of a place of dark, overwhelming burdens. But haven't we all had those? We have all had that moment or series of events that make us see, for the sake of our sanity (and the friends around us that have to deal with it), that it's time to walk away from someone or something that no longer serves us or helps us to grow. All that is, is just a form of self respect and self preservation. People talk about it, but no one ever talks about how hard it is to actually do it, let alone follow through with it. You have to wake up daily and make the same decision to keep following through. But I'm here, as 2014 Ashley, to tell you, with a z-snap and all, that this year is a good time for letting go. This year is no place for bringing these people and things with you. The universe itself has no restrictions. We place restrictions on the universe with our expectations of things. And it's time to stop. So hello 2014, I welcome you with open arms and heart. 

Last year was the first year I actually followed through with a resolution. So this year, I made 7...ya know, just in case I flake on six of them. If I learned one thing in my business classes, it's to create SMART goals. So, I encourage you to take part in these resolutions with me. 

1. I'm writing a book. I've always talked about it. Why not? It's going to be called "Memoirs of a Cafe". You can follow it on twitter at @MemoirsOfACafe. It's going to be the funniest thing you'll ever read. Promise. If you have anything to contribute let me know...cause we all know, people are crazy. Especially those on Music Row. 

2. Let it go. Just let it go. Out with the old Ash and in with the new. This also includes growing a spine and replacing the glitter and marshmallows that seem to be there instead. If you don't like being a doormat, get off the damn floor. Ya know?

3. Don't have expectations. For anything. Life. Love. Whatever. Stop expecting and you won't be disappointed. Also, stop settling, just because you're not expecting. 

4. Travel. I vow to travel one place AT LEAST an hour away every month. Because...duh. 

5. Write daily. Whether it's a nightly journal, or this blog, or songs...I wrote in a journal every single day last year. Let's keep it going. How cool will it be to look back at my life documented 50 years from now?! Cause lord knows I won't remember. 

6. Pay it forward. Do nice things and don't talk about it after. No one like a bragger. 

7. Be present. Learn about people. Listen. Look at the things around you. Put your screens away. 

Here's to you, 2014. I have a feeling we are going to be friends. ❤️