Love is a fickle thing. It makes everything skewed, one way or another, doesn't it? It causes your head and your heart to have a dysfunctional relationship. Then, one of those breaks...either your head or your heart. Always both. Usually one followed by the other. You question and obsess until something sinks, and then your head blames your heart. It always does. It's an easy cycle to continue. You hear what you want to hear, you never learn, they leave, you hurt, you blame yourself. Always. It's okay to let the obsession and agony consume you. Nothing hurts quite as piercingly as unrequited affection. It fogs our minds because it's always caught in flux between illusion and something tangible, remembrance and desire, safety and danger.
Love isn't something you feel. You do it. If the person you want to love isn't doing it back, do yourself a favor and save it. Someone else does want to do it. Believe someone's true colors the first time they show them to you. Don't try and repaint the picture you see. Leave it. Maybe it's not something that needs to be finished. Some things are better left as is. It's better that way. In doing so, you can move on with your life. In doing so, I will never tell you how I really feel. I will never say that I don't know what I am to you. Or that I know I'm not enough. Or that I literally have no idea how to be something you care about. Or that I'm both chasing and running simultaneously. Why would I say any of that? Right.
Our minds sometimes see what our hearts wish were true. We want to hear certain things. We beg for the words that make us feel, even if they aren't true. If someone doesn't care about losing you, move on. There are so many others that will die and kill not to lose you. How can you be happy when someone treats you just like any other normal person? I don't want to be normal. I want consuming passion. I want a friendship set on fire. After all, we are all perishable characters; especially in someone else's stories. I truly think it's possible that some people are born to give more love than they'll ever get back in return; and that's okay.
What I've learned is this: Love doesn't die. If it was there at some point, it still is. You can't kill matter once it's created. It's just taken a different form. That doesn't negate anything that has happened. It's just not the love we want anymore. You can love so many times in your life, and all of them will be different. The thing is, people associate other people with the best times and the worst times. It's important to me then, to make the best times amazing and the worst times minimal. To be in more of people's best times, than their worst. To quote Almost Famous, "Never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, and if you never get hurt, you always have fun". Who doesn't want to have fun? With very rare exception in life, there's no such thing as too much love or too much laughter. Everything else in moderation, but those two in excess. So surround yourself with people that make loving and laughing easy. Sometimes the people that used to, no longer do that. In thinking this way, I've found something. Call it power, closure, whatever. Just because something was right at one time, doesn't mean it always will be. Things change, and we may never know why. We must learn to be okay with the unknown. How great it is, though, to see something once you stop looking. Some things are there all along. After all, it takes a whole lot of shattered bits to make a whole mosaic. It's okay to break, because in the end, "we are all humans...drunk on the idea that love, only love, can heal our brokenness". So love hard. Hurt hard. Love often. Seek out other people's broken pieces and do what you have to do to heal it all. Adventure and love and wonderful things are all out there. The best part about getting crushed is being able to look back and see that you fixed it...without them. Eventually, you'll be rewarded with someone or something that appreciates and reciprocates every small piece of your affection.
So, no, I don't think of you too often anymore. I just have to pause sometimes in your memory. And about that dysfunctional relationship between my head and heart? Yeah...they're no longer speaking. ❤️
God, I'm a walking cliche.
